Happy Wednesday folks!

We are finally in the home stretch (much like Matt this week…). ONE MORE WEEK PEOPLE! We only have to watch the remaining two women meet Matt’s family, watch Matt have a complete meltdown, and watch him probably propose to someone only so that in two years they can jointly split the money from the sale of the multi-million dollar engagement ring until we’ve finished this ~journey~.

As a fun twist, we have Fantasy Suites scheduled for International Women’s Day – because if the Burger King tweet didn’t make you mad on behalf of women everywhere, ABC is here to finish the job.

If you thought Tayshia’s season was a fluke and the budget was back let me be the first to crush your dreams. The budget was apparently maxed out with Pieper’s murder carnival.

We start our evening with a conversation between Matt and his father. I will not be diving too deep into this because it was wildly uncomfortable, deeply personal, and leaned into racial stereotypes that we know ABC isn’t prepared to maturely handle. But Matt feels better and even though I don’t buy for a second it was his idea to track down his father who left him when he was young as a prerequisite to getting engaged, I’m happy he feels like he got something out of it.

Onto the women!

Michelle is the lucky lady to get the first date. Actually, I take that back. I am genuinely unsure which is the best ‘slot’ during Fantasy Suite weeks. Like in the past they didn’t have to do the walk of shame home, so we never knew how many days there were between them – I always assumed there would be a break. But now we realize they are back to back! Which brings me back to first being the best position. Like if I’m up past 11PM I’m crabby the next morning. I’ve literally pulled only one all nighter in my entire life (including college finals weeks! including red-eye flights!) because I understand the beauty of a full night’s sleep and the power of over the counter melatonin – there is no way I could do THREE IN A ROW. I’m way too high maintenance for that. Props to Matt.

Anyway, Matt decides that Michelle is so hard working or whatever so he wants to have their date be a spa. But not a normal spa! God forbid they do something normal for a date! It’s going to be a Pennsylvania Dutch themed spa date.

I feel like it’s an important time to admit to something: I knew everything weird that was about to happen on this date. I am from Delaware County which is just under one hour from Lancaster County. So I spent A LOT of time in Lancaster. Like my first overnight camp (a month-long math camp, naturally) was at Franklin & Marshall. Our weekend outings were literally to the Pennsylvania Dutch Farmer’s Markets.

So while I’m not saying I’ve ever been to a Pennsylvania Dutch themed spa, I AM SAYING that when they said that I turned to my roommate and was like “oh they’re going to do something weird with butter” AND I WAS RIGHT.

I’m not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.

Anyways the date is just as ridiculous as it can be when you have a butter-themed spa date, but then they have the evening dinner portion. They have some basic conversation that I’m sure Michelle thinks is bonding but what I’m aware of is the exact same lines Matt has used on every woman this season. Michelle is here to win so she graduates her “I’m falling in love with you” to an “I love you” and Matt rather than responding makes out with her to distract her from the fact he didn’t say it back.

Matt invites Michelle to the Fantasy Suite because obviously, let’s not pretend Matt is going to pass up this opportunity with literally any of the women.

After a morning after shot, we have Michelle come back to the Nemocolin and have an awkward post-date chat with Bri and Rachael. And let me say, I absolutely LOVE them having to rehash their date with the other women. I realize it’s new since Peter’s season when they wanted to emotionally break Madi, but it’s such a fun development. It obviously means I need to see a psychiatrist to break down why I enjoy being evil, but there are few things funnier than these women having to pretend they aren’t dying while hearing the other girls make loose innuendos for how their evenings went.

Once Michelle tortures the other women enough we get to Bri’s date. This order is based clearly not on how much Matt likes the women and instead on the producers trying to guess which woman will be the most psychologically scarred by going last.

Bri’s date is hiking in the woods. Which I realize is supposed to be a dumb date compared to the “spa” day but I think is probably fun! Bri and Matt walk around in more fashionable than functional Tims and narrate their surroundings. My absolute favorite is when Matt pretends to be warding off snakes and Bri declares that there are no snakes in Pennsylvania AS IFFFFF and I’m sitting on my couch like ?????????

There are snakes in Pennsylvania. Not to sound much more nature-y than I obviously am but I used to catch them as a kid at the river behind my neighbor’s house and I lived in the suburbs so I’m confused why Bri said that with so much confidence.

We then get to a clearing where Matt and Bri set up a tent, presumably for the evening.

Bri pretends to be totalllllly down with camping in the wildness and I give the girl props. There is absolutely no way I would be able to fake this. Matt admits to not being super Bear Grylls-esque and Bri admits to having never camped and I feel this in my core. The most I’ve camped is once in my backyard when my brother wanted to go on a Boy Scout field trip and my dad wouldn’t let him unless he spent an entire night ‘camping’ out in the backyard. And then I joined because I was offended that Girl Scouts didn’t allow me to go camping (which they definitely do, I just didn’t graduate from Brownies) and spent the night out there just to prove I was tougher than my brother since he quit maybe two hours in.

Anyways I respect Bri, there is a five-star hotel literally 100 yards away.

Matt stops pretending this prank is fun and they move onto their dinner date portion of the evening where Bri levels up as well as declares she is in love with Matt also.

They go to the Fantasy Suite also because Bri is clearly the most beautiful woman Matt has ever seen and he realizes he’ll never be #blessed to be around a woman like her again.

The walk of shame x2 starts to make Rachael meltdown. There always must be one. She is panicking to Michelle about Bri and Matt and Michelle pretends to be willing to listen to her bullshit before giving the camera a ‘get me out of here’ look.

Bri comes back, gives some details, and Rachael goes to cry behind a pillar. And then rallies for her date!

Rachael could literally not be more miserable on this pottery date. Matt obviously picks up on her vibe and instead of addressing why gets extra perky which is a definite me move but is just as successful as anytime I’ve ever tried it. Rachael moodily makes shady comments about how pottery is like relationships and sometimes they get dented and then finally cracks. Matt gives her whatever assurance he can, which is not much, but it’s enough for her and they go to make out while acting out Ghost. Can the Bachelor have a pottery date without attempting this? I don’t think it’s physically possible, change my mind.

They then have their dinner date where Rachael ALSO tells Matt she loves him and he ALSO makes out with her instead of having to express any emotions.

Rachael gets a Fantasy Suite date also and it’s a much nicer place than Michelle and Bri’s BUT WHATEVER MATT. Before the camera leave and they get to have ~intimate conversations~ about their lives and future and I DON’T KNOW MAYBE RACE MATT MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK THE ONLY WHITE GIRL FROM CUMMING GEORGIA SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT HER PAST AND IF SHE EVER ENGAGED IN ANY RACIST ACTIONS JUST A THOUGHT MATT LET’S THINK LONG TERM HERE they have a fireworks show, showing absolutely no favoritism.

They don’t show us Rachael’s walk of shame because let’s be real, it’s not fun unless it causes someone to spiral. We instead skip right to the Rose Ceremony.

Even though Bri looks like an absolute supermodel in this stunning dress, Matt sends her home. They have an awkward sit down where Matt pretends like he has something useful to say when we all know he’s really thinking “I thought I was going to cut you last week but here we are” and Bri gives a Bachelorette audition so good it makes me wonder if she knew she was a gonner and was just setting herself up to have a dramatic sendoff.

For the record, my Bachelorette guess is back to Katie. I’m sure it’ll change at least twice more before they announce it (my guess during After the Finale Rose) but I’d bet a solid $5 on Katie. Maaaaaybe even $10.

Anyways, Bri leaves and it’s sad.

And now we’re down to the final two! Rachael and Michelle.

I’m sure it’s apparent who I’m rooting for.

BUT ALSO AS AN FYI – they are trying to get ‘eligible seniors’ for a new show (Bachelor in Paradise meet The Villages?) so if you have any grandparents (or anyone over the age 27 the way this show casts) who you would love to find love on reality TV (and are not too old for this shit) sign them on up!


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