Happy Wednesday Bach Bracket!

Before we begin I want to share this Bachelor x media crossover because if there is anything I love it’s Bachelor nation invading my life when I’m not expecting it (Dunkin’s Valentine’s Day content, Peloton shouting out Matt, etc.) So I give you half the people on my weekly Dunkin’ status in true Bachelor form:

As a forewarning, it is unlikely I will send out a reminder next Monday to fill out your brackets (and even unlikelier anyone will be on to read an email) since we have off! So do yourself a favor and fill out your Bachelor Bracket for next week now – and remember that while SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE one of these days we might get two rose ceremonies in one episode to catch us up so consider filling out the next two rose ceremonies.

Onto the episode!

We begin where we left off, with MJ and Jessenia staring each other down on an impromptu 2on1 date. Actually, I take that back, a true 2on1 has someone being abandoned in the woods or left on a glacier, this is more of a pregame if it turned out the game actually also sucked (soooo the Super Bowl??). They are arguing and Jessenia continues to be a favorite of mine, starting with when she called MJ what we can only presume her full name, Meredith, and makes it sound so dirty it feels like ABC should be bleeping it out.

Matt James arrives and takes each girl aside and hears their closing arguments. Shockingly MJ sounds sane and borderline believable which makes me worried since if I have seen her be evil and I have a second’s pause how can I expect anything better from Matt? While Matt is talking to Jessenia I am reminded why I would never go on this show because MJ continues to not care everything she says is being recorded and says she had a “weak bitch moment” where she doubted herself (in what..??) but now she’s back. As someone who still gets anxious from middle school flashbacks I can’t imagine dealing with MJ’s weak bitch moments, let alone whatever the opposite is (strong bitch moments? mature communication moments? kindness?)

Matt sends MJ home because production told him the only way he would get a good edit was if he dumped the bullies fast, and then cancels the cocktail parties because he also is drained from all this nonsense. At the cocktail party we eliminate Ryan (we hardly knew you), Brittany (who has already served her sacrificial purpose), and Magi (HOW DARE YOU MATT SHE’S BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD).

Now that we got MJ we should be cool, right? NOT SO FAST. Serena C. (not to be confused with adorable Serena P. of ‘oh you had a turtle growing up? were you a weird kid?’ fame) tells Katie that this is all her fault because if she just sat back and let girls’ lives be potentially ruined by rumors then maybe they would all get an additional 15 minutes of time with Matt. Serena C. is appalled by Katie’s priorities – she just wants the type of ‘peace and harmony’ MJ was preaching back.

Serena C. then has a moment where she accuses Katie of stirring up drama. And does this by knocking on Katie’s door where she was chilling by herself, AKA clear pot-stirrer activities. Both girls don’t really make themselves look good here, although Katie is ultimately more right because she’s team ‘if girls are going to try to slit a throat I’m going to tell someone’ while Serena C. is team ‘don’t do anything that jeopardizes time with Matt.’ Serena C. then goes downstairs to trash talk Katie to the other girls and for someone who just said to the camera she is not here to start drama I’m not sold.

Cameras then cut to the fourteenth manufactured piece of drama this season: Heather has arrived! For those who are like ‘who in the world is this random blonde girl?’ you would not be the only one. Heather was on Colton’s season and her ‘thing’ was that she had never been kissed. She went decently far but most shocking of everything, is apparently a really nice human and is friendly with a ton of girls from her season. And the only reason I know that is because a ton of Bachelor alum started dragging production on Twitter this week in prep for their sweet and wholesome friend being thrown to the wolves.

Heather, despite living on the other side of the country, flying to the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania, testing negative for COVID multiple times, and renting a weird minivan, shows up at the Nemacolin where we see security give her a fake hard time about how she’s not allowed in even though there is no way this wasn’t planned. Chris Harrison comes out and truly does the most where he tells her this could be a game-changer for Matt (since his best friend’s ex is best friends with Heather which = true love) and has her quarantine. Heather then goes to quarantine even though it’s max four days and there is no way they risked Chris Harrison getting sick so this scene was definitely filmed after she was isolated.

Pieper after being sad last week about not getting a one-on-one goes on a date with Matt. Matt and her get into a Jeep and he drives her out into the literal woods in the middle of the night. And while Pieper pretends to be a Cool Girl™ about it, you know they had to edit out some awkward chuckling she for sure did over the fact this is the set up for a murder. Like yes, there is a camera crew, but at some point, if you are Pieper, you have to wonder if the twist this season is going to be someone dying because they want to get some murder mystery fans into the show. Honestly props to Pieper for not full-on rejecting this date and packing up and going home. I would NEVER go on a date like this with a dude. You just can’t be alone with someone like this! All these cute-sounding date ideas are how you die. Hiking = stabbed in the woods and left to be consumed by a bear. Cooking at his place = easy cleanup for my dead body. Sailing = “accidental” drowning because you know I’m not a strong enough swimmer to even attempt to save myself. A dude for sure would The Talented Mr. Ripley me. I am Jude Law here.

Do I have trust issues? Probably, but am I still alive??

Anyways it turns out the murder forest date is actually a carnival date (no murderous clowns to be seen) and Matt and Pieper do a bunch of cute nonsense and she wins a stuffed animal and picks the ugliest doll on the shelf but whatever she’s also into this weird personality-less man so I feel like I can’t even begin a conversation on taste.

They then have the evening part of the date where Pieper pulls out the closest thing she has to trauma which is that she’s a Words of Affirmation girl in an Acts of Service family (pro tip if you don’t know what I’m referencing, take this quiz! I’m a Quality Time girl to the surprise of few). She gets a rose.

We then get a group date which is rather uneventful. Like I don’t even have jokes it’s just a bunch of girls going bowling and seems rather chill. The best part was when they separated the girls into teams and the winning team got to spend more time with Matt and the losers had to go home and Kit jokingly cries to Matt what you are looking for in a wife? A BOWLERRRRR” pointing out that this show is ridiculous and someone’s bowling ability should not determine whether you fall in love but KIT THIS IS ABC YOU CAN’T CALL OUT THEIR NONSENSE TO THEM. The losers have to go home and be sad but much like people in our government it turns out actions don’t have consequences because they are able to go back to the group date because some of Matt’s favorites lost and that just won’t do. Matt has some meh conversations and gives Michelle the rose.

Flash forward to the next date – Katie and Matt. But before we do that, our boy Matt has his bestie Tyler C. (or is he just Tyler now..?) come on by and give him advice because “the process worked so well for Tyler.” Now is the time when I remind everyone that Tyler was the runner-up on Hannah’s season and the process ended with him proposing and getting rejected, a process that apparently worked so well. You could argue that he got incredibly famous and as a result got to date Gigi Hadid for the fourteen seconds she and Zayn were broken up, which is actually pretty cool, and that if that’s the goal of the season (which it is) then Matt is not technically wrong. They play some pool and pretend that they can keep a straight face while talking about how Matt is going to be engaged at the end of this.

Katie shows up for her date, which is going to be Matt and her pranking Tyler because nothing says romance like having your best friend be the center of your date. Admittedly the date is hilarious (assuming Tyler was in on the prank and wasn’t legitimately thinking his masseuse was sexually assaulting him) because Katie is incredible and Matt seems to have more fun with her than any of the other girls.

THAT BEING SAID. It is very clear Matt and Katie have a friend vibe and not a romantic vibe. During the dinner portion Katie, who for the record is wearing a weather-appropriate coat instead of some cute frilly nonsense which I love, talks about how she wants a partner she can be herself with and be silly with and Matt looks more and more panicked and HOLDS UP THE ROSE only to tell her she won’t be getting it. Katie pretends to be somewhat heartbroken as he escorts her out even though I can’t imagine she thought they had an intense romantic connection either.

The house is going to fall into chaos without Katie there, I’m calling it now. Also, there are rumors that she is going to be the next Bachelorette (unconfirmed, but rumored) and I reallllly hope that is true because I want another season filled with people over 30 who have jobs and not a season of girls picked off stage during the producers’ kids’ college graduation ceremonies.

The cocktail party finally arrives. I get hopeful that we will have two in one episode and catch up. I would be wrong.

Everything is ‘normal’ and the girls are patting themselves on the back for not skinning someone alive in 48 hours so naturally we need to stop that with Heather’s arrival. The girls freak out which I’ll give them, I’d be somewhat annoyed, and Heather goes and interrupts Matt and Pieper’s conversation where he does the super normal thing of cracking up and Heather also starts laughing and Pieper sits there and has a WTF do I do face. Matt does that awkward thing where you are with someone and don’t really want to have to introduce them to the person you just ran into (which is actually super common! my roommate two weeks ago saw a dude she was casually dating out on a date with someone else but she did the socially appropriate thing and just made awkward eye contact and passively-aggressively texted him after LIKE A NORMAL PERSON) and Pieper is told to GTFO so Matt and Heather can properly meet.

Pieper goes back to the girls and demands to know who that was and half the girls pretend that they aren’t able to rattle off the names of every contestant of the last five years and are like ‘oh we think it’s this girl Heather who might be friends with Hannah B. also she might have been on Colton’s season also she’s a Libra and her job title was “never been kissed” because that’s a totally normal thing to put as your occupation but like IDK, it might also not be her.’ We then leave on a cliffhanger because why should I ever expect anything else.

And much like the cliffhanger this previous Monday, this is where I also leave you! Reminder that I won’t remind you to fill out your bracket next week (but you can do it now!)

Happy Valentine’s Day from me to you!


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