Tonight is the season finale of Michelle’s season of the Bachelorette! I realize it’s been a bumpy road, mostly in terms of when recaps were actually sent (sorry but it’s ABC’s fault for it being on a TUESDAY when my life is built around Monday night shows). But we are DOWN TO THE WIRE. Sure there is going to be a presidential address tonight that will almost certainly interrupt the actual proposal, but let’s focus on what’s most important: that we are thisclose to being finished. (Note: I wrote this before learning it is actually at 2:30pm today, sorry for the fake news).

To get pumped about the finale, let’s recap what happened last week on Fantasy Suites!

We start off with all of our contestants in Mexico, no specification as to where in Mexico. I’m not sure if this is because, much like what we do with Canada, ABC is set on pretending that’s the equivalent of a City, State, or if they are worried people will notice that it looks identical to the Bachelor in Paradise set, but regardless, we are in Mexico.

Michelle then has a solo chat with Kaitlyn where she runs through our options – according to Michelle we have:

·       Brandon, who she sees no downsides with

·       Joe, who represents familiarity

·       Nayte, who she likes best but she’s worried she likes him more than he likes her

Kaitlyn shares that she should really listen to her gut and she wishes she listened to her gut more on her season. Which makes me now desperate for details on Kaitlyn’s season. Does she wish she picked Nick over Shawn?? That would totally disrupt the Bachelor timeline and now I’m so curious what would have happened if they had ended up together.

But whatever, wrong season.

For some reason Bachelor producers have decided that during Fantasy Suites week they all must now live together. Truly we should thank Peter for this – his was the first season where they were like you know what would break Madison? Having her live with Hannah Ann and Victoria. Which, to be fair, totally worked.

So because of this we have the three of them hanging out. Or as well as it can be, as Joe mentions it feels as though they’ve gone from “bros to foes” which is truly poetic.

First to get the date this week is Brandon. We find out this is his first time leaving the country, the first time on a horse, probably his first time falling in love, etc. It’s a very impactful season for good ol’ Brandon.

Brandon and Michelle are horseback riding through the rainforest and on the beach where they eventually have a cute picnic. Brandon’s horse runs away with him at first and Brandon emphasizes multiple times how he’d make a great cowboy. Sure Brandon.

Brandon’s shtick at this point in the season is that he’s the most in love with her. He’s all about ready to die for her, that’s how convinced he is. And don’t get me wrong, it’s kinda sweet if you don’t think about it too hard, especially when you’re on a show where the goal is to fall in love and get engaged. But Brandon, could you maybe chill out A LITTLE BIT? Sure we’ll later drag the other men for not being in love enough because as far as I’m concerned there are no winners here, but Brandon is SO INTENSE with his love. To me that’s borderline a red flag this soon in knowing someone. Like it’s been two months – I’m happy you’re happy but let’s not act like your very existence depends on someone.

Meanwhile we get flashbacks to Joe and Nayte. Joe is beginning his internal downward spiral, but naturally is keeping it to himself, while Nayte is out here acting like he doesn’t care. While I realize what production is doing, making it look like Nayte isn’t actually ready for a proposal and like he isn’t serious about Michelle, I will say it sounds more like he does care and would just rather die than admit it to Joe or America.

Back to the evening portion of Brandon, he verbalizes he loves her. Which, to be fair, is great. He actually uses “I’m in love with you” which is the highest level as far as Bachelor Nation is concerned and pinpoints the exact moment he knew. In case it wasn’t apparent, Brandon is IN IT.

They naturally get fireworks (which the other guys have to watch) and go to the Fantasy Suite. The next morning they’re being all cute and have a breakfast food fight which I’m convinced no one in real life has ever actually done, but okay live your dreams.

Next on the docket, the morning after recap! Nothing is better than watching these men have to talk to each other about their dates. Brandon says he’s not telling them anything and then they sit in awkward silence until Brandon mentions how awkward it is. Joe spirals some more, but don’t worry we have his date next!

Joe and Michelle go zip lining over the rainforest and it looks like a ton of fun. I choose this date please and thank you. He and Michelle about how he’s so introverted and in an ITM interview Michelle says that Joe is like a puzzle she needs a few more pieces of. To which I say no! No you don’t! While I appreciate wanting to learn more about your partner, if he’s not it or if you feel like you’re constantly trying to pull things out of him maybe he’s just not the one for you? Especially when you’ve emphasized you’re an extreme extrovert and he’s clearly an extreme introvert?

Too much cuteness though, it’s time for the guys to stress out some more. Brandon and Nayte debate which spot is the best one to go in. Naturally Brandon doubles down on why first is the best (you want to get the best out of the way before a hard decision) while Nayte obviously says third is the best (want to end on a high after stressing over the two ones). They then get in a slight argument where Nayte asks Brandon if he thinks that Nayte is the weakest link which Brandon doesn’t directly answer because his answer (yes) is rude. Brandon keeps talking about Joe’s date and Nayte looks like he wants to die if he has to talk about it anymore.

Back to Joe! Joe and Michelle have a cute dinner date and then go to the Fantasy Suite, where it is heavily implied they don’t just talk. Joe talks about how he’s falling even more in love with Michelle which is great but is not quite Brandon’s I’m in love with you. In the ITM interview Joe giggles about how much he loves her though which makes me wish he was the tiniest bit more open with her about these things.

Next up is Nayte. They have a sailboat date because apparently it’s in his contract that every single date has something related to water, whether it be paddle boarding or boating. Michelle all but says that he’s her favorite on this date and I want her to hold back slightly more. She’s not quite as bad as Katie was with Greg, but YOU ARE THE LEAD. MAKE THEM WORK A LITTLE MORE.

During dinner Nayte isn’t giving Michelle exactly what she wants to hear so she pushes him until he says I trust that falling I love with you is it – which, to review, is definitely not Brandon’s I’m in love you and barely Joe’s falling even more in love with you. But because he’s her favorite she takes it and runs with it, especially when he says he thinks he can get to where she needs him to be.

They naturally go to the Fantasy Suites and the next morning Nayte tells her he loves her and she’s the one which makes me hope he was waiting for alone time to tell her anything serious? Please? Or like he wanted to make sure they were aligned on certain things before? I just really want Michelle to end up happy since she’s been an A+ Bachelorette and she clearly is going to pick Nayte so I need him to step up.

Nayte goes back to the boys and when asked about the date says that they “vibed out” which is slang I definitely don’t want to know the meaning of. This results in Brandon and Joe looking slightly panicked.

We have no time to unpack that though, as we have a Rose Ceremony fast approaching!

They line up in height order and before the first rose is given out Brandon asks to talk to Michelle. Here we are thinking there is something important to be said but instead he takes the time to reiterate how much he loves her and wants to be with her.

Joe is panicked during this moment while Nayte is annoyed – in his own words, “you only Hail Mary when you’re losing.”

Michelle and Brandon come back and Michelle begins to give out roses. First goes to Nayte, who SMIRKS when he gets his. Nayte. Could you not? I like you, I know you’re going to win, but could you maybe make it slightly easier to root for you? Like maybe pretend to be relieved when she calls your name? Clearly this tells me Michelle privately told you not to worry, but ughhhhh no need to be so obvious about it!

Next and last rose results in the upset of the year: Brandon. Literally how. I feel like everyone, myself included, thought it was going to be a Nayte/Joe finale so this is shocking. Which Joe also clearly agrees with as we cut to his wide eyed look.

My theory is that her true ordering was Nayte, Joe, and Brandon but she wanted to make it easier for herself during the finale week so she sent Joe home early.

Joe gets his sendoff that consists of Michelle crying a ton and Joe remaining stoic. He does break down slightly while in the car but naturally pulls his emotions right on in before we can get too crazy.

And that’s our recap! Don’t forget to fill out your brackets for TONIGHT’S FINALE!!


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