Good morning Bachelor Bracket and welcome to our first recap of the year!

First things first, you’ll see in the bracket that we are all tied with a big ol’ zero because, as we all know or will soon come to find, it is physically impossible for this show to get through an entire rose ceremony in one episode. Not even in episode two! Regardless, for next week feel free to enter your picks for Rose Ceremony Three in case by some miracle we get not only the end of Monday’s but ALSO another.

To kick things off we had a mini montage of Matt doing things like running, using a Peloton, wearing turtlenecks, walking alone along a beautiful New England fall foliage scene. It’s basically a video version of every Boston dude’s Hinge profile and likely just as false. He then proceeds to tell us he’s never been in love (something that makes me ~extremely~ confident in our choice of Bachelor) and that he has a lot of baggage he’s never unpacked. The Bachelor: Therapy Edition?

The girls get introduced to the Nemacolin which is a BIG UPGRADE from the La Quinta and while there are way too many to remember all of their names yet, Queen Victoria from the first episode declares that she is not here for female empowerment, she hates everyone, and, dare I say, is not here to make friends.

Chris Harrison comes by and hands out the first date card, for Bri, and the pair take off in ATVs. Matt essentially leaves Bri in the dust way too many times for this date to be considered romantic, but has the great idea to have her sit behind him and do donuts. With beautiful foreshadowing from Matt: “DO YOU TRUST ME” Bri then demonstrates why you should not trust any stranger you go on a first date with because they FLIP THE ATV.

I don’t want to sound like the reason I’m single is because I’m too Type A and have no chill, but if some dude crashed an ATV and had it flipped on me while I narrowly avoided severe injury I would not be giggling on the ground being like ‘omg let’s do it agaaaaaain!’ I’d be more in the ‘I want to have a shower, a nice cry, and maybe call my mom’ category. Remember when Pilot Pete couldn’t even get into a golf cart without needing to have a ton of stitches???

I would have January 2021 energy after being on that date.

But whatever, love conquers all, yadda yadda yadda. We watch Matt chop some wood, Bri and he make out, she gets a rose, yay.

We flashback to the house where another date card arrives with more people on it than I had in the majority of my college classes. EIGHTEEN GIRLS go on a group date.

The date has all of the women dress up in wedding dresses and take fake wedding photos with Matt because that’s a super normal thing to do with someone you’ve talked to for maybe 7 minutes. Matt enjoys the date almost as much as I do.

But wait! Chris Harrison comes and announces it’s actually going to be a capture the flag/paintball crossover game with absolutely no rules. The women proceed to attempt to murder each other, with Victoria declaring that her team is a team of queens while the other team is filled with gestures.

The winning team (the TEN women, for the record) then go to have a date with Matt where we discover the most disturbing fact about Matt yet:

Who am I to judge though? Maybe he is equally overwhelmed by how many women there are and needs to keep his eyes open to remember who he is making out with? Hopefully production will tell him soon that it looks REALLY WEIRD and he’ll close his eyes soon though.

Next up is our final date with Sarah, who looks exactly like Annie Murphy, change my mind.

They go on the world’s first-ever airplane and somehow manage not to die, followed by a campfire date. Matt tries to get her to open up about her family and Sarah initially decides that she isn’t going to talk about her dad’s struggle with ALS on national television and how she needed to give up her career to be his primary caregiver because it’s something she keeps private and millions of people watch this show. But production informs her before the night portion of the date that she is required to bare her soul if she wants a rose, so she opens up to Matt and he does an A+ job active listening, giving her reassurance, saying sweet things, and oh wait do I like Matt James now??

Although I will say this little bit of dialogue had me and my roommates cackling:

Flash forward to the cocktail party where I know maybe four of the women’s names and Victoria has another meltdown because the girl wants her airtime.  MaryLynn gets an orchid from Matt after whining about how she didn’t get to see him this week, which upsets Victoria because of reasons(?), so she goes and tells Matt how evil MaryLynn is even though she seems like a lovely human.

Matt says he is going to trust his gut (i.e. keep Victoria around because he has to) and we go to a rose ceremony. About half our girls get roses before Sarah stumbles back and begins to pass out. Maybe if they were allowed to eat or drink anything other than alcohol that wouldn’t have been an issue BUT I DIGRESS. A medic is called and we have a dramatic TO BE CONTINUED title card.

Here’s hoping a) Sarah is okay (I do have a heart), b) we finish a rose ceremony and get some points on the board, and c) we never have to see Victoria on our TV screen ever again after next week.

Until then!


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