Hellllo Bachelor Bracket!

I know today is a big day (Inauguration Day!) but as we all know it’s an even bigger day: the first day scores are on the board. There are obviously no winners or losers until the final rose, but we love to see some early winners and losers.

Before we dive into the episode, I’d like to take a moment to showcase Matt James’s (James’? As someone with the last name Hayes I feel like I should be much more confident in this??) personality. This entire episode will not want anyone to think he has a personality besides riding his Peloton, but he shared this gem right before the episode started:

We love a man who can be one with the joke.

Anyways, we are thrown back into the episode where Sarah is showing off her Bridgerton worthy fainting skills. Matt rushes over and a convenient private moment later, we are back to the rose ceremony. Matt gives a weird little speech where he maybe apologizes for Sarah fainting(?) and says he knows that this is going to be tougher as it goes on as if any of the women he eliminates spent enough time to even know what his middle name is. Very little is dramatic since even I, the obsessed, couldn’t tell you the names of half the eliminated women, although it’s important to note that our least favorite villain / human Victoria remains to continue to stir the pot.

We then flash forward to our first group date, where we find our group of women meeting Ashley I in the midst of her reading erotica. Now I have a genuine question as a side note to this – at what point can Ashley I just be Ashley? She’s been on maybe fourteen of these shows, she’s considered a ‘success story’ of the franchisee (check out when Dunkin’ provided photo donuts at their wedding) and was on literally a month ago with Tayshia’s season. But like I also can’t name another Ashely on this show? AND EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY if she has taken Jared’s last name and now goes by Ashley Iaconetti Haibon is she still Ashley I? Isn’t she Ashley H? Ashley I-H?

If anyone has answers please let me know.

But anyways back to the date. The girls show up and Ashley I-H is reading erotica because, surprise surprise, Chris Harrison has written a romance book, ‘The Perfect Letter.’ Now some of you know (another aside) that I read an amount that is almost unhealthy and I post reviews to my Instagram. And I’m usually down to read any book and review it. But when the #2 review on Goodreads for his book says “You know how you can’t turn away from a train wreck because you’re kind of curious about what happened, and when you see it, it’s even worse than you thought? Yep, that.” I feel like even I have got to take a pass.

BUT ANYWAYS BACK TO THE DATE. They all write their “love” stories and perform them, ranging from “I’m still auditioning for a Disney show” to “dirty Mad Libs because the show bleeps everything out.” You can clearly tell who grew up reading Harry Potter fanfic (cough Katie cough) and who did not.

They then cut to the night portion of the date which is just as bland as every other night portion of every other group date ever. BUT THEN! Sarah decides that after her one on one she just can’t handle the thought of Matt making connections with the other women and crashes the date like any sane, rational woman after a good date would. She interrupts Katie, soon to become my favorite, and tells Matt she’s so into him and is feeling conflicted and whatever else she picked up from watching Victoria F on Peter’s season and Matt is an idiot and falls for it and gives her the reassurance she wants.

She then goes and talks to the women and apologizes but in the way I apologized to my brother growing up in front of my mom, more of an “I’m sorry you feel that way,” “I’m sorry I got caught,” and, most importantly, “we all know you are fake but you are better at being sneaky than I am so you know what I AM SORRY (to tell you to sleep with one eye open.)” Also Victoria makes valid points and while she is actually hilarious in this episode I’m still mad I find someone so awful entertaining.

Serena P then gets a one-on-one date, but before Matt can take her out he needs to reassure Sarah some more and ends up laying on her like the new weighted blanket I got for Christmas.

He then picks up Serena P and they go on some cute horse riding date. It hits the highlights: Matt makes the world’s most pathetic charcuterie board (like bro you don’t even have a board, you’re just throwing cheese on a picnic blanket what are you DOINGGGGG), Serena has a fabulous line where she asks if Matt was a weird kid because he had a pet turtle growing up, and random donkeys (not to be confused with their horses) keep trying to third wheel their date. They have a dinner portion, she gets a rose, it be cute.

But it turns out Victoria led us astray when she said that the Bachelor wasn’t the Sarah show because IT MOST DEFINITELY IS. We have girls talking about her hiding in her room, we have her hiding in her room, we have her crying, we have girls talking about her crying, it’s a whole to-do. Anyway, low and behold Sarah manages to disappear all day up until the moment when it might be relevant to her, the date card reading.

I don’t know if the date card ever got read, but before we can pretend to be interested in whatever potential torture is ahead of our promising young ladies, we have to have a ~confrontation~ where it starts out with girls being like “hey you’re a little selfish” and ends up with Kit literally saying “I hope that your connection with Matt is very strong right now because the rest of your living situation here is going to be horrible.”

Am I watching The Bachelor or the beginnings of a sorority themed horror movie?? Scream Queens was great on Fox when I watched it in college (also I love Emma Roberts) but I don’t want it to be real-life…

Katie – who for the record has the most reason to be upset since her time was interrupted with Matt – ends up talking to Sarah later and being like hey are you okay, that was rough, I too am afraid, want to talk. Sarah tells her she thinks she’s going to leave because her dad is ill, Katie and she have a moment where they bond over the fact Katie lost her father a few years ago and understands how she feels, and while it legitimately is the best part of the episode I couldn’t help but wonder HOW IN THE WORLD the woman who showed up with a vibrator night one has managed to be one of my top candidates for Bachelorette (because let’s be real she’s way too great as of now to end up with Matt).

Sarah then proceeds to pack her bags in a way that ensures every item of clothing will be wrinkled when she reopens them and head over to Matt’s to tell him she’s going to leave. Sarah says she just can’t deal with the feelings that she’s developed over these short seven days and having to see him date other women. Sarah does not seem to understand the show she is on.

Matt, showing signs of being a mature human, tells her he understands and while he will miss her he hopes she ends up with someone great. We all get to see the panic in Sarah’s face (and listen to her cries of despair) as she realizes that Matt has no intention of pulling a Clare as she is no Dale. ALTHOUGH YESTERDAY SHOWED HOW USEFUL THAT WAS SO GOOD ON MATT.

We are left with no second date, no rose ceremony, but a preview that shows us that more women will be entering soon because who needs to finally feel proud that you know all the names when instead they can add MORE people?

I would like to think that one of these days we might get to another rose ceremony, so as always fill out your bracket!


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