Happy Wednesday all!
I hope everyone’s day is going well – probably not as good as it will be Friday when we have off, but good regardless! I for one am cat/apartment-sitting for a friend in the South End of Boston and basically living my best 13 Going on 30 life. Not only does she have the coolest closet I think I’ve ever seen, plus has a cute cat, but I was able to watch The Bachelorette on cable rather than streaming it via the password I stole from my parents. I only hope I can make it here myself one day.
Much like how I spend each week sitting around with friends gossiping instead of actively paying attention to this show, so too does our lead! Katie has Tayshia and Kaitlyn over to her suite where they go through the remaining guys as though we just joined this season and wanted a two-minute summary. Which, first of all, I didn’t realize was an option, but secondly, if you’re going to cut five people tonight why would I even bother learning their names now if I haven’t already??
In addition to gossiping, Katie lays down a challenge she wants to give the guys in the vein of Seinfeld’s S4E11 “The Contest” which I did not need to hear about, especially considering there was very little discussion of it later in the episode to make it relevant.
Truly the only good part of this weird contest was the reaction pics. We have Greg auditioning for the role of Jim Halpert with his direct stressful glances at the camera.
And everyone else trying to figure out how to explain the challenge without saying basically any word relevant to it on national television. Today I learned we can talk about sex all we want on ABC before 10pm, but masturbation? Bleeps galore. Can’t even allude to it without The Bachelor breaking out in a sweat thinking they are going to get blacklisted from the network.
Thankfully we move on to the first date of the night: a 1on1 with Justin. They have one of my least favorite dates (not to be confused with half of the other dates they do, including but not limited to pure violence dates and Cinderella dates) where they dress up in wedding clothes and do a photo shoot.
Let’s be real though, the main issue is that the Bachelor franchise tries to amp it up every season. On I think Sean’s season they dressed up and took pictures on a group date. So on Tayshia’s season they made it a 1on1. So on Matt’s season they made them take pictures and then immediately play a paintball-esque game. So on Katie’s season they made Justin and Katie write fake vows and have a fake wedding which was incredibly weird and looked miserable for the both of them.
(Side note, I know someone going to be on the Boston edition of “Married at First Sight” so the above meme brings me extra joy).
I will say though that Katie looked really pretty despite this being so awkward for everyone, most importantly me.
Interrupting this date though is a flash to the house where, surprising none, Majority Whip Aaron is sitting around trying to figure out who he wants to hate this week.
In true Aaron fashion though he gets his little gang together again to make sure that he isn’t too actively evil because we wouldn’t want someone to say that he is the bully – he’s too smart for that. Shockingly.
Hunter is declared the target this week, so naturally we get a cut to Hunter talking logistics to Greg. He’s determined that he’s Top Four (lol) and is trying to figure out who else will be there while Greg looks slightly frightened. I personally don’t mind Hunter, but he seems to be hitting the part where he’s stressed and trying to convince himself he’s endgame even though that obviously isn’t the case. So instead he’s doubled down on trying to game it all out which makes him sound like he’s not here for the right reasons (lol again) even though he probably is.
Cut back to Justin’s date! We have now reached the evening part, where Justin is expected to open up about a life tragedy. But Justin has absolutely nothing to share and honestly looks like he isn’t connecting with Katie AT ALL, so production forces her to open up more. She talks about how the fake wedding date makes her sad because he dad won’t be at her wedding and then opens up EVEN MORE about how she recently found out her dad isn’t her biological father and that dude wants to form a relationship with her now and she’s struggling to figure out how to juggle her feelings about that. Which, truthfully, sounds like something better suited for a therapist to unpack than Justin. Especially considering Justin gives a generic ‘thank you for sharing that’ which makes me love Greg, Michael and Blake so much more for having human reactions to tough conversations.
They then go to a private concert which I assumed would be another D-list country singer but instead was an indie pop singer I ACTUALLY LIKE! Who knew such things were possible? MAX, who sings “Love Me Less (feat. Quinn XCII)” and “Lights Down Low” which everyone should check out, serenades them with real music for once while Katie and Justin awkwardly dance. He gets a rose.
One good thing came out of the date though: enough people hated on the wedding date on Twitter that Robert Mills, a VP from ABC, tweeted about how they get it, no more wedding dates are needed.
The next morning! Andrew reads the date card that includes everyone besides Connor and Justin, where they go to Conference Room C to await their date.
On this group date we have drag queen icons Monet X Change and Shea Coulee (who competed on the first season of Ru Paul’s Drag Race I ever watched!) come to the guys to have them compete in a shade-throwing contest. And listen, I guess this on paper sounds fun. But ABC can do better – get the men in drag. Have them compete. Walk the runway. That’s the kind of entertainment I am here to see. I want to watch the Bachelorette and instead feel as excited as I am when I watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Let me live ABC.
But instead we get a bunch of dudes too pathetic at roasting the drag queens basically interrupt the date and just start asking them to pick fights
For instance, Sensitive Greg is asked to start and rather than roasting any of the guys he recites Katie a poem he wrote her. A POEM. Which I’m sorry, but that was not the assignment. Shea Coulee properly roasts him and he looks mortified and you know what Greg, this isn’t a talent show, this is a roast, get with the program.
Finally we get some fighting with some of the guys calling out that Hunter is a super fan and clearly not here for the right reasons.
He denies everything as he must even though his every move is recorded so we know the truth. My favorite part though is when Hunter denies guessing who the Top Four would be (as though not every dude at some point there has at the very least thought) and Greg looks like he’s dying to call him out on it while simultaneously looking ill.
The drag queens ask Hunter if he would like to roast anyone and he does a little speech about how he has the utmost respect for everyone so just wants Katie to know he’s falling for her. And again, I get it. You want to be the nice guy. BUT THIS IS A ROAST CAN SOMEONE TELL A JOKE JEEEEEZ. My friends roast me on the daily basis! That’s just what friendship is! I’m not calling my mom crying about how my roommate during the Bachelorette gave me shit about how lazy I am because anytime she got up I asked her to get me something because I’m the worst. Because I deserved it! It’s all fun and games. The fact not a single one of these men had a single joke or knows how to make fun without being truly cruel makes me worried for Katie.
Thankfully we end everyone’s failed comedy auditions and go to the group date evening. Katie starts off by very confidently telling the guys that she isn’t sure she likes all of them which is pretty baller and inspires the kind of fear I’m here for.
She starts getting pulled off one by one by the guys. Andrew is cute and wonderful, Greg talks about how embarrassed he was at the roast over his stupid poem (which he should be) and asks for more validation as though that’s not the single most obnoxious thing and he does it EVERY. FREAKING. WEEK. and then we get a parade of other dudes talking shit on Hunter as though that’s going to win them the girl. For the record, the only thing I know about James is that I used to call him Box Guy and that he slicks his hair back as aggressively as Brendan fluffs his up.
Truthfully the only highlight for me was her and Blake’s conversation about the house challenge. And while I gained WAY TOO MUCH information about Blake’s “self-care” schedule, the two of them are funny together and as ridiculous as it is I was giggling with my friends about him being like yea this sucks thanks for nothing.
Katie then talks to Hunter because she’s stressed that everyone hates him and he gives a generic I’m ten years older than all of these dudes and am trying to stay out of the drama because I can’t handle the youths answer. Katie seems moderately appeased at best.
They then set it up to look like Katie got so stressed over the Hunter situation and needed to go off to puke and let’s be real – Katie just got too drunk and that’s why she got sick. Listen, I’ve been there. It happens. But what definitely didn’t happen is her caring too much about HUNTER of all people being there for the wrong reason that PUKING was the appropriate answer. C’mon now, I’m not buying that.
Because she’s sick she calls the date and doesn’t give out a group date rose because she definitely wouldn’t even remember who it was being given to. TBD if the two drinks an hour rule applies to leads.
Once Katie gets over her hangover, we move into her 1on1 date with Connor. The issue with Connor that Katie outlines for us is that they are missing chemistry and she can’t see him as more than a friend (which, dare I say, is exactly what her and Matt’s issue was). So naturally, instead of doing a sexy date, they go on a double date with Kaitlyn and Jason.
Which, to be fair, is kinda sexy on the get-go because Jason is potentially my favorite person in this entire franchise, likely because I didn’t watch the season he was on. But he and Kaitlyn are adorable and if you want a good cry go listen to the episode of Kaitlyn’s podcast where he proposes to her. I’m very anti-podcast and even loved it.
But whatever, this date isn’t about them as much as I love them.
They play volleyball, share dad jokes, grill, etc., things I would do with any of my male friends I’m not looking to date which is 100% the vibe between Katie and Connor. They just don’t have *it* the way Katie has it with other guys in the house. The date itself is fine because Connor seems quite lovely, but alas that is not enough. Even with Kaitlyn and Jason’s commentary as they watch them from afar, I’m not sold.
Naturally this calls for a dramatic breakup. Katie crying in a hoodie and jeans is put against Connor getting ready for the evening date talking about how much he likes her and how he can see them being together for a long time.
Truly this portion of the show was heart-wrenching. Katie is crying and can barely get a sentence out and even though he clearly knows what is going to happen he goes to reassure her and let her know that it’s okay. She gets out that she likes him so much as a person and that he checks all the boxes but they just don’t have chemistry and she’s so sad over that. They say goodbye and it’s depressing because I feel like we all kinda get that and apparently we’re all deep down rooting for Connor the Cat.
Katie leaves to go cry and for the first time ever in this series instead of having the dramatic luggage removal they let Connor go back to the house to tell the guys himself that he got eliminated. And while I knew that Greg and he were friends, I didn’t know that everyone in the house loved Connor more than even Katie at this point, as they ALL break down. The reaction shots are intense.
I for one have not seen these dudes interact enough to merit this, which makes me think that Connor must truly be pure of heart, because even the guys in the shit-talking circle are breaking down.
Know who isn’t too torn up though? Blake! He’s sad and all for the appropriate amount of time, but he takes this as an opportunity to go and comfort Katie. He goes outside her suite and pulls a John Cusack by playing a song they danced to together on their 1on1 (read: the only song ABC has the license to) and comes up to her room to comfort her.
By comfort what they really meant was aggressively make out and you know what, I’m here for Blake. The two of them clearly have the chemistry that was missing with Connor and as much meh as I am normally about him, there was a moment last night where I was worried ABC was starting to get a little too intense for a show on prime time and was impressed.
After that impromptu “hangout” we move on to the cocktail party, which Katie cancels. Her reasoning is that she already knows who she likes and who she doesn’t and isn’t going to waste her time talking to her B team which, while ruthless, I respect.
Next we get to go straight to the rose ceremony, where there are only six roses, meaning four guys will be going home. First name called is Hunter, although similar to Thomas a few weeks ago is a fake out – Katie wants to go talk to him (which one could argue a cocktail party would have been good for). They talk in circles where she says she wants clarity and he keeps emphasizing she just needs to trust him and nothing productive is determined which is not a good sign for Hunter.
Names are officially called: Blake, Andrew, Greg, Michael, Mike, and Brendan (LITERALLY HOW). They join Justin making up our top seven.
This means that Hunter, Aaron, Tre, and James were eliminated. But never fear! Bachelor in Paradise released an update yesterday and Aaron, Tre, and James will be back to stir up trouble, along with fan favorite Connor the Cat. Good thing for Connor shirt buttoning is not required on the beach.
And that’s a wrap for our show! Next week seems like a break from our main two options and instead brings in TEARS TEARS AND MORE TEARS so grab onto your tissue box and FILL OUT YOUR BRACKET FOR NEXT WEEK.
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